Memories: Day 3 of Diabetes Blog Week

Click for the Memories - Wednesday 5/15 Link List
Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. (Thanks to Jasmine of Silver-Lined for this topic suggestion.)

Yes, before we begin, I missed Day 2: We The Undersigned.  Busy and fun day with the kiddo's yesterday and a surprisingly early bedtime that I could not resist. So, you will have to forgive me for not completing day 2. But, today, back on the horse as they say (I think?) with day 3: Memories.

One of the reasons I blog is not only to share our story living with type 1 diabetes but also it's for me, to remember and save my feelings and our experiences living with t1d.  This blog is chalk full of memories good and bad.

Of course, just like many parents of a type 1's I'm sure diagnoses day comes flooding in when you start thinking about our most memorable diabetes day. It's the first one that entered my mind, mostly the feelings of that day, the overwhelming feelings.  I can see it so clear, like watching a movie but with the volume off. But today, I do not wish to relive that panic and chaos.

The proud moments are what I would like to relive...Cara's first cross country meet.

Running is a big part of our lives, it's kinda how it all started really.  My husband and I met at a Cross Country meet all the way back in high school.  We really did push our kids into running (I'm not ashamed to say it), we loved it, so why wouldn't they...right? hahaha, WRONG!

Our oldest Kailyn ran in grade school and she was great, but she just didn't have her heart in it.  The second she started making her own decisions about what she liked and did not like, well, running was a dislike.  We tried everything, even bribery and I think grade 7 track was the end of her running career.

My oldest son Connor...not a runner, although, he has started to go for small jogs with his dad to get a laptop; a year fitness challenge that Connor and Kylie have begun but competitive racing, not in the cards for him.  And that is just fine with us...we still love him! ;)  

Kylie, she is a great runner. She loves to run (at least for now) she kinda reminds me of me :) she's not the best but she's not the worst by far and she has her whole heart in it to win it.  She is training for her first track and field meet as we speak.  GO KY!

Now, our Cara...she is a natural born runner.  She's lite on her toes, explosive...she reminds me of a deer.  lol, Actually many things about her is very deer like, when she was around 2 (before diabetes) we use to comment on how doe like her eyes were, big and round, so sweet, her deep brown doe eyes, she's extremely shy and hesitant like a little fawn always hiding behind her mother and she runs with the ease and bounce of a deer. Anyways, back to my memory... When she was diagnosed, I think that night of, I said to my husband "well, there goes your little runner!" 

That, of course, was many moons ago and we have learned and now know and believe that diabetes will not hold her back from anything she wants to accomplish.  Her first Cross Country meet is a testament to that. 

Her first Cross Country Meet was our first time trying to figure out how to make diabetes and sports work for Cara.  She really did not need to run thaaaat far...but...for us, it was FAR, for her it was insanely far.

It was her first race and we knew she was going to do great, only if she believed she could.  I will never forget, it was on this day that we learned Cara and her bff M were training with each other every. single. day. at school HOLDING HANDS...that is how they ran...every time they went for a run at school to train for this one event Cara and M would hold hands...the whole time.  Cara was extremely stressed that for this race M and her could not. I gave her a little pep talk, "just run like you do at school, you are going to do great...without the hand holding.... M will be right behind you...you can do this!!"

We checked bg and removed her pump (she was in range and she did not want her pump on her when she ran so we took it off) I gave her a kiss and hug and told her "dad is waiting in the wooded area for you."  I left her there to find my spot with all the other parents.  She stood on that starting line soooo scared, M right next to her...waiting for the gun to go. I truly believe that if M was not there to stand beside Cara on that starting line, Cara would have pulled out of that race.  But, she was ready for this, I knew she was going to do great, I knew we had diabetes under control and today diabetes was not going to destroy this day.

The gun went and she took off, not as fast as I thought she would, but she began sprinting through those kids like a deer running through the forest, dodging tree after tree, she made it to her dad and they were gone, in the trees where I could not see.  That wait for them to come out into the open took forever, with the constant please please, come on Cara, please do good, please do great, going through my head over and over, hoping that nothing went wrong in the trees, hoping that she did not give up without her bff's hand to hold, hoping she did not fall down.  Then all of a sudden 1 kid,2,3,4 kids and holy shit that's my girl, there she is...that's her... GO CARA, GO BABY RUN!! (BTW, I crying right now writing this)

At that moment I was on top of the world, diabetes WHAT? Screw you...we beat you...she won...she did great...she is amazing!

That is the moment I knew and truly believed...DIABETES WILL NOT STOP MY GIRL FROM DOING ANYTHING SHE WANTS TO DO.

As I ran to find her at the finish line to congratulate her with tears filling my eyes, what does my girl say to me? "where's M, did she finish? Is she ok?" Yes my dear, you both did amazing!!

Maybe one of my most proudest memories of Cara to-date, I had to share...again!  

That's my girl!

      

Day 1 of Diabetes Blog Week: My Plan B...Blog For Our D Clinic

DAY 1:

Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see?  (Thanks to Melissa Lee of Sweetly Voiced for this topic suggestion.)

I started thinking about all the things I wished my D team knew, the things that when my husband leaves the office I'm always bitching about.  "Did you tell them about this?" "but do they understand this?" "Ya, but for Cara it works like this!!"  So I started to type, and something completely different than what I had planned to write took shape.  I think my blog is what I really want my D team to know about us, in our daily life with diabetes.  The fact that they are my plan B, to know that their is someone else out there, they may not know 100% all about us and what we are going through each and everyday with D but when SHIT hits the fan...and HELLO, this is diabetes we are talking about, there is a lot of shit hitting the fan...there is someone there that you can fall back on and help you through the messiness and clean up of the D life.

So here it is, my blog to our D clinic:

Hello D Clinic, it's me :) Cara's mom, welcome to The We CARA Lot Blog, This one's for you :)

There is really only one thing I want you to know or see about our day in and day out lives with diabetes...You're our PLAN B. 

I know I try my hardest to avoid you like the plague, most of the time sending the hubs with Cara for our 3 month endo appointments instead of me.  I also know I may have trouble sometimes, okay...most of the time with hearing what I'm doing "wrong" or what I "should" of done from people...wonderful people, whom I respect, but who don't live my life, in my shoes, every single day.  I know I don't always listen to what you tell me, because I'm a little shit disturber (something I'm truly trying to work on) but I just want to say THANK YOU for always being there for us, we would be lost without you.

From the first second diabetes entered our lives you were there holding us up.  You reassured us, you believed in us and you gave us the power to believe in ourselves, because of you we knew WE COULD DO THIS.  You were our light during a time we needed someone to show us the way.  You made us laugh when we didn't want to cry and you let us cry when we really needed to.  You do not judge, you give us comfort,  you are patient, you make us feel safe, you fight for us when we need someone to back us, you give us the power to take on diabetes.  When I am at a loss you are there, willing and able to find the best solution, you are my plan B.  You guide us along this journey and because of that we are never alone and that means the world to us.  Living in this diabetes world that changes so drastically without any notices or reason it is reassuring and calming to know one constant...that you are there.  Without all of you, and the work you do every single day, I would not be who I am today, in our everyday with diabetes.

More importantly than what you have given us as parents to a child with type 1 diabetes, you have and continue to give our daughter so much more.  You and your team have made Cara a part of your family. She loves to visit all of you at the hospital.  I really don't think she understands that people HATE the hospital because part of her is there with you.  You took an extremely negative place with scary memories and turned it into a safe and fun place for Cara to be.  She looks forward to her short visits to see HER nurses.  You make her feel extremely special, like she is the only one. You make her smile when she is sad, you give her hugs when she needs comfort and of course, great high 5's for a job well done.  Most of all, you make her feel loved. Thank You!!

Each and every day you give families like ours so much more than medical advice and diabetes knowledge, I hope you understand how very important you are to us and how very thankful we are for that.  You have a huge impact on how people live their day to day lives with diabetes, so keep doing all that you are doing and I will try my hardest to get over my mommy sensitives and spend a little more time with you.

Love and Thank you!
Nicole (Cara' mom)  

More Than A D Mom

More Than a D mom?

I remember being a child, time seemed to stand still.

I remember the joy of staying out late playing with friends down the street, warm baths and the ever abundant feeling of love and comfort I felt at home. 

 

Christmas took forever to come and with each additional birthday a rush of excitement.

Imagination ruled all and my world around me knew no rush or stress. 

10, 11, 12...waiting to see what was around the corner, what will my life have in store.
My dream, a veterinarian, working with dogs...mans best friends.
I never really dreamed of travel or some big adventure.
 I knew I was a home body, happy with being home.

In a blink of an eye...

Grade school passed and high school began.

As the years added on, time began to rush. 

Christmas came and went and returned again much sooner then before.

I began taking more pictures as I felt time rushing by.

One child, two children, a family.

Three, four, five, six children and a dog.

 And then, STOP! type 1 diabetes. Once again as if I was a child, time stood still, if only for a few days. Soon, maybe before I wanted, life continued but now veering a whole new direction.

Now D mom was added to my definition.

Soon to be 35, the time that has passed is missed and as my children grow older questions of who I am linger.

I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a D mom...

But who am I??

If I close my eyes, Nicole is easy to find...long brown hair and hazily eyes that still possess a spark in them, not a wrinkle to be seen and a soft pinkish glow to my skin.  Happy, always smiling, I can hear quiet laughter surrounding me, energetic, a cute and cheeky woman is who I see.

One glance in the mirror, reality hits and I see a completely different person.

She has grayed, although she tries to hide it, bags continuously grow under her eyes, a frown seems to be drawn with permanent marker across her face.  She is tired. Oh boy, you can see just how tired she is.  Her brow is scorned with worry and questions.  Time, children and diabetes has taken a toll on her body and this once tiny little girl who was skin and bones is now overweight and sore.
With my shoulders arched and a quick shrug, I look away.

Who am I, who is that woman?

I am more than that sad, tired looking women in the mirror.

I am more than I use to be,

I am strong...I am stronger then I every thought I could be.

I am loved...and I will never take that for granted.

I am a protector...because I am a mother.

I am a fighter...and I fight every single day until a cure for diabetes is found.

I am confidant...I know my weakness and my strengths.

I am a bitch...and have been called such on a "few" occasions.

I am funny...damn, I can get you laughing!

I am selfless...they always come first.

I belong...I have found a community and a life I never would have seen before.

I fall down...but get right back up again.

I am friendly

I am talkative

I am emotional 

I am needed
I am needy

I am kind

I am smart

I am brave

I am giving

I take a stand

I speak my mind

I sacrifice

I am understanding

I am mouthy

I am empathetic

 I am comfort

I am home. 

Always, right where I wanted to be, but with a twist.

This is me, and more than, a D mom.

Dear Mom, Happy Mother's Day.  I Love You! because you take care of my when I have diabetes. Love Cara xoxoxox

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

More Than A D-Mom" is a blog series that was created and started with a wonderful and heartfelt post by Hallie .  Click the links to follow the rest of the series with these amazing D moms Meri, Lora, Wendy, Tracy and Donna. Today I'm happy to share a Mother's Day post with Misty so click on the link to read her thoughts on More Than A D Mom?

MAD

NOTE: These were my feelings last night at 12:30am when I was pissed, please don't email me saying I need help dealing...I am dealing...that is why I am writing) side note: I already feel better this morning, tired but not sooo mad. p.s. spelling and grammar will suck due to the tired and late blogging and oh, yes, there is swearing. 

l am mad...like I want to trow something, break something and scream.

but it's 12:30 am, so instead I will blog

I HATE THIS!

I Hate type 1 diabetes.

l am mad because it is 12:30 am and I am wide awake trying to reason with a sleepy and low 7 year old type 1 that needs to drink a juice box NOW!

But she does not want to and she will not!!

Right now, she is barely awake and more concerned with an itchy spot on her arm.

I am mad that she doesn't understand or seem to care that she NEEDS to drink this juice...now.

Every second that is passing is sending us closer and closer into an emergency situation.

It's not her fault, at least I think it's not her fault.  She's not trying to be difficult, at least I don't think she is trying to be difficult.  Our brains only energy source is glucose and when glucose is low Cara's brain is not functioning at 100% power.  It's drowsy, confused and for Cara it seems to get stuck on things that have no relevance with what it going on. I have noticed this as she has gotten older, she seems to lose the ability to prioritize needs.  Right now, safety is not her brains focus.  You would think, me, her mom saying "you're low, you must drink this juice" drinking the juice would be the first thing that crosses her mind! I outlined the problem and the solution for her, but NOPE...you would be wrong, right now, priority number 1 is stopping the itch and that is scary as hell.

She is sitting directly across from me and her opened juice box itching and itching, like crazy, the same spot, not understanding the need for sugar.  If you ever hear someone say "Oh, they don't need help...they are a teenagers, they can handle type 1 on their own" Remember this, that is so wrong!  

In the back of my mind, plan B,C and D are quickly starting to form and inner voices beginning to bitch.  

"If she does not drink this in 1 more minute I'm getting the glucagon"

 "Shit, are her eyes closing because she is tired and falling back asleep or is she about to pass out."
"What do I do if she passes out?"  

"FUCK!  It's 12:35am we all should be sleeping!!

"Where in the hell is my husband?"

I am mad that we are out of rockets.

We had switched from rockets back to juice a little while ago because Cara was getting sick of the rockets BUT of course now, when she is low, and in the middle of the night, when we don't HAVE rockets...she wants them, only them...scratch that she NEEDS them.

I hate that she needs them!

I am sitting at my daughters bedside feeling so mad that people don't understand this.

They don't see this, they don't experience this, they just don't get this. 

I feel on the verge of tears, my poor sweet girl

I feel like I want to scream, this is just not fair

I feel alone

and scared

unsure

and blame starts to grow

My head fills with questions of the unknown.

This disease is not a fucking joke!

I guess if you don't experience the guilt, the panic, the haunting of numbers day in and day out, the exhaustion of fighting a disease you can't control and the constant turmoil of living with something that can take away something so precious as your daughter, you just don't get it.

This shit is scary, it is hard and I have had enough at 12:42 am

Tonight, 2.7mmols quickly beeps up on the screen, first thought, shit...I should have checked her sooner (the guilt). All I wanted was to watch 30 more minutes of t.v., relax for a bit longer. Problem is, while you are relaxing diabetes is up to no good and it always is.  There is no relaxing, there is no deep breath.
As I dash to get a juice box (the panic), the "I told you so's" start to fly (the scared, the unsure, the blame). "I told you we needed to check her sooner because blah blah blah" yells my husband as I'm getting the juice  box (none of this earlier conversation I remember of course) "If you did, why did you not check her yourself than" races out of my mouth!

A small argument ensues about our roles and responsibilities and efforts.

This is the crazy thing about diabetes, sometimes when the thing you are enraged at is invisible and not available to take your hatred out on, you end up lashing out and hurting the people closest to you.  Many marriages have been lost to diabetes.   

Sometimes you are left asking why is EVERYTHING on me? (the alone).

I am mad that it's now 1am, Cara did finally drink her juice box, I had to find Polysporin and fix her itch before she would even think about drinking the "gross juice box" (her words) and now still not time to sleep, it's time to check blood sugar again. Time to make sure Cara's bg is on the rise and again an alarm with be set throughout the rest of the night.

I'm mad that I will be a zombie in the morning, barely able to function.

And I am furious that some of you still think diabetes is no big deal...WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!