Monday, February 1, 2010

The count down

The count down has started, Cara's one year anniversary of her T1 dx is nipping at our heals. On February 13th 09 I brought my 3 year old daughter into the ER after 3 months of on and off sickness and 4 different doctors visits with no dx.

There is so many mixed emotions running through my head, I really don't understand why I'm feeling the way I feeling or really how I'm feeling. Boy I think this may even more complicated the T1?! lol

I feel proud of myself and my family for making it this far (one whole year) and really I think that we have done a great job, not a perfect job but a great job.

I feel amazed at the way Cara has handled this past year, it truly is overwhelming how brave and tough she is. Not ever looking back and just living in the now. Let me tell you these T1 kids are just amazing.

I feel frustrated with the lack of information and the huge amount of misinformation about Type 1 Diabetes. I feel like I'm always explaining our lives and it goes in one ear and out the other, IF I'M LUCKY!

I feel blessed to have met all these people, ALL the AMAZING, LOVING, CARING, UNDERSTANDING (the list goes on and on) people that I have met because of T1.

I morn for what Cara's life could have been.

I feel guilty for not understand what was going on inside Cara's little body and taking sooo long before we got the diagnosis, she was very, very sick.

I feel sad that Cara MAY have to live the rest of her life with T1 Diabetes.

I feel unbelievably grateful that Cara will LIVE the rest of her life even if it is with T1 Diabetes. Some parents are not so lucky to say that their child will have a full and long life and I count my blessings each and every day for this.

I feel silly that T1 makes my heart hurt.

I feel exhausted because of the constant worrying, T1 is truly a 24/7 disease and the worrying never stops.

I feel hatred because I HATE Type 1 Diabetes!

I feel loss because I miss Cara's pancreas, it might sound funny to miss someone else's organs but I'm just not as good as her pancreas was and I miss that darn thing tremendously.

I feel confused ALL the time, I'm always seconded guessing myself and crossing my fingers that I have figured all Cara's insulin to carb amount right.

I feel annoyed that I'm not better in math.

I feel overwhelmed taking care of 6 kids and one being T1.

I feel hopeful for a cure.

I feel understood because you all get it. Thanks for reading :)


Hallie said...

Ah, get it, I do! We're having our own countdown here to our year. And I feel exactly the same! It's like you read my mind and wrote it all down for me!
You are doing a great job, Nicole! We may not be as good as the real pancreas, but I think were all a great second place!
I get it, I Understand, I feel the same way about this disease! And I'm so glad I 'met' you !

Jennie said...

Wow! That does really sum it all up. I hadn't thought about how I miss Brittany's pancreas, but I sure do! Life was easy breezy before diagnoses. It's like getting a newborn all over again because you have to be aware of it 24/7. You said it all perfectly. I get it.

Joanne said...

Great post, you said it all perfectly. We were so busy around the time of Elise's first anniversary of her dx that we completely missed it! I'm glad it worked out that way.

Did someone say something about Timmie's???

Lora said...

We were at this place just a few short months ago. Let me tell ya... I mourned that damn pancreas like nobodys business!!! lol

Chin up mom... Cara is one lucky little lady to have a mom like you.

Wendy said...

I feel blessed to share this journey with you ;)

PS - Maya says hello!

Amy said...

One of the greatest blessings of this disease has been the people on the journey with us. Don't know what I would do without you, Nicole!!

Happy 1 Year of survival!

Shannon said...

There are times to cry and things to celebrate. The first year is quite the journey. I am so proud that you have made it over the hump! I will be thinking about you on Saturday! :)

Nicole said...

Thank you so much Ladies I would have not been as sane as I am today if it where not for you. Love you all!!

Meri said...

I feel love...
for you, and all of our BFF's around the world.

Love you friend!