Today you have managed to bring me to my knees, I'm beat and I know it!
I just can't fight you today, I'm exhausted and I'm broke, I throw my hands up in disbelief...I give up!
Today I only feel doubt, confusion, frustration and sadness. Today you have robbed me of my positivity, my happy place has slipped away and is replaced by thoughts of running away and hiding, I'm full of doubt.
Is there any job in this world that you work at for 2 whole years, 24/7, no breaks, non stop and still at the end of the day you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING? How can I feel this way? I should not have to call a professional, a doctor/ nurse for help...I am the professional, I am the one in charge and I'm just sooo LOST today.
You have hit us with blood sugar numbers in the 20's over and over for days, I have fought, I have racked my brain at how to bring you down. I have made changes, many changes...but you have only gotten stronger. Today a damn 30mmols at A.M. snack time and that was it, that was my breaking point!
Out of NO were and I'm on my knees crying, tears streaming down my face because of disappointment in myself...
why don't I know the answer...
WHO HAS THE ANSWERS, cause I'm dieing over here? Has Cara's NovoRapid conked out a little early, is Cara a little sick, is it because she needs a change in ratio's, is Cara going threw a growth spurt, did I miscalculate, did Cara get her little sneaky hands into something without telling me, do I even know what the hell I'm doing?
The answer is... I don't flipping know, and I never will.
Type 1 diabetes is like a great big unanswered questions and just when you think you have it all figured out the damn equation is changed!!
BUT
Tomorrow is a new day, I will regroup because I have to, I will find believe in myself again because I have to and I will fight you because I have to and I will find the answers because Cara needs me to!
Until tomorrow T1, you have won today but tomorrow the battle starts again!
GAME ON bitch!
15 comments:
Sending HUGS! You are right, better days ahead!
Hang in there Nicole! You are doing great. I hope the numbers cut you some slack soon! (((HUGS)))
Maybe the answer is "all, or some of the above". Who knows? Sorry things are so rough. I hope you find your answer soon... you need a break!
Hang in there! We all have those days. Its been 11 years and I still sometimes feel like I am out of my element. Take life 4 hours at a time (the amount of time your NovoRapid is "supposed" to work) and try to breathe from there. A nice hot cup of tea, a nice glass of wine...anything to take you away for a few minutes after you melt. (((hugs)))
Hang in there! I like what the other poster said about every four hours. After five plus years, that is the way we look at it (yes, we do log and look at daily patterns, such as they are or are not). We look to the two hour post meal and four hour increments to gauge daily because things can and do change for no reason daily. So second low during the day reduction in basal; first low at night reduction in basal.. sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent. D does not claim the day, only a portion of it. You have not given up so I wouldn't cede a day to D either. You will prevail. Your frustration is understandable. We are told to look for "patterns" to solve thngs. Not true. There are patterns, yes, but they are loose, not iron clad. So many deviatins in those patterns that you just have to look at what is happening that day sometimes. I agree with the theory that these extreme low days are evidence that their beta cells are still producing some insulin sporadically, if there has been no stomach illness or extreme exercise. P.S. Check the thyroid function yearly, as extreme highs, followed by extreme lows can occur with hypothyroidism.
Today is my third day in a row with rampant high blood sugars that I can't grasp! I've resorted to 150% TBR for the duration of the day.
I'm not sick, It's not my time of the month, i have NO IDEA!!!!!!! there is no rhyme or reason.
I'm with you... just as frustrated
Im with you. Been up all night, and posted a blog then read your struggles - thankyou for posting - now I know IM NOT ALONE. xx
YIKES! Big hugs girl!!! LOVE YOU!
I'm with you! I think we all are actually after reading these comments. I like your attitude though...it may have "beaten" you at this particular moment, but you are not going to let it keep bringing you down! I wrote this on another blog, but all we can do is track numbers, spot patterns and do our best. But it does SUCK when you feel like you've gotten something down and it suddenly changes on you and there are zero answers. It's relentless and it's unfair, especially when you are trying so hard! Keep your head up though...this is just another day and you will get through it--strong as ever!
UGH! I can SO RELATE to this!!!! I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this. And I hope you wonked that high in the noggin!
SUCKS! That is the wosrt when you simply dont know why they decide to spike out of no where! SOOOOO friggin draining!
Im thinking and praying for you both!
Hang in there mamma! xx
((hugs)) some days are just tough...tomorrow is a new day and I wish you the best...you'll be in my thoughts
I hope by the time youve read this things have settled down. (((hugs))) we all know that feeling too well.
Love it...game on bitch! Xoxo
I'm sorry D was giving you and Cara such a hard time! I hope that by now her numbers are better and you're feeling better! (((HUGS)))
HATE how that damn equation changes just when we think we get it figured out!
Working on the BB with this post included, should post tomorrow. :)
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