when I should have stood up and stepped up.
I'm not strong right now, I feel weak and defeated like a little girl curled up in a dark empty corner just waiting.
I'm waiting for the strength,
I will step out,
I will once again own this.
but for now I'm beat with frustration and questions
I have been knock down one to many times by the numbers.
That is why I'm avoiding the WHYS?
They are what holds me down.
The whys are no longer the question they are meant to be
they have become the blame I feel.
As much help as our wonderful nurses at the clinic have been, I avoided their phone call the other day and that is why I got this message on the phone because I did not answer the phone...I just couldn't.
I did not want to hear the disappointment in their voice again when I told them the numbers came out differently then what they expected.
I did not want to hear the "hmmmm, OK"...
I did not want to hear the confusion.
I did not want to hear "I'll look this over and give you a call" or "I'll talk with the other nurses and we'll get back to you". I wonder what they are "really" saying??
You see, they are working overtime with us, trying to get Cara to where she should be.
They calculate, they configure, they manipulate, they put all their education and all their years of knowledge/experience to work and when the numbers don't turn out the way they expect it to or the way it "should" the only person they have to look at is me and ask the question WHY?
WHY? How many carbs did you count for that meal (like I don't know how to count carbs)
WHY? What time did you give insulin (I have explained over and over we dose after breakfast, during lunch and after dinner. They really don't like that because we get a lot of spikes but I explain to them we NEVER know how much she is going to eat.
WHY? Did you remember the correction (when numbers don't add up they always think something was forgotten)
WHY? How much insulin did you give at that meal (after this question I usually hear the calculator going, checking to see if I figured out Cara's ratio right, that really pisses me off some days. I know how to add and divide on a calculator...thank you very much!)
WHY? How many carbs where given for that snack (This has always been a tricky one for us, the nurses do not like us "feeding insulin" however if we don't keep her tight as to feed insulin she is HIGH until the next meal time. So we are always tweaking her snack amounts and that is just frustrating)
These are all very logical and helpful question when trying to figure out carb ratios and insulin doses and I know they are meant to knock me down but sometime all I hear is...
WHY? do you have any clue as to what you are doing??
I'm just burned out, it has been about 9 months of intensive logging and talking and emailing back and forth with the clinic and we still are not where we "should" or want to be. We keep going around in circles, I keep thinking what the hell I'm I doing wrong? and they keep asking WHY?.
We know what we are doing, they know what they are doing but sometimes it does not translate into good numbers for Cara...WHY?
I have no fucking clue?
So I just needed a little break, and that is why I did not answer the phone. This weekend I'm not listening to the whys? because I feel like that question is not a question at all anymore I feel like that question has turned into blame.