Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Breakdown Kinda Day

(this post was written a few days ago)

Today was a different kinda day in our house.

Diabetes got the best of our emotions today.

As I was cleaning today I found one rocket candy, a poker that we don't use at all and 2 Tegaderm strips on my dresser among other things I will not mention on this blog :).  I collected it, and a smirky-smile appeared on my face thinking about Cara and then it HIT.

All of a sudden my eyes fulled with tears and an abundance of negative thoughts entered my head before long tears where rolling down my face as I placed the diabetes paraphernalia in their drawer.

This is not normal echoed loudly in my head:

People with children don't normally have candy stashed around the house as a life saving medicine.
People with children don't normally cause their children to bleed to ensure their child's health.
People with children don't normally stick life-saving computerized organs to their children.

I found myself lost in the negativity that diabetes CAN bring to her future.
I found myself focusing on the pain that diabetes DOES bring into our lifes.
I found myself absorbing the negative reality that diabetes is...AND I had enough!!

You can not live in that mind set, that is not living, that is NOT healthy.

Once and awhile I may visit that dark small corner of my mind but not anytime soon.

Cara has way more to offer then the small negative space that diabetes takes from her and I choose to focus on the amazement that my children and diabetes bring to me today.

I went along with my day as I usually do.

After school and dinner Cara came to me like she always does and asked "is it site change day"? Knowing all the while that it was.  "Yes" I said to her, "what site do you want to use today?  The pink Mio"? "NO"!! Cara shook her head. "OK, so the sure T then"? "NO"!! Cara said this time with a very sad tone.  As tears filled her eyes she looked right at me and said " I don't want to be diabetes hurts" and with that I realized that I was not the only one lost in negativity today.

I told her I know but today is site change day and we NEED to pick one site, have a bath and then do a site change.  I gave her a hug and as she placed her head in my shoulder she whispered OK the Mio ones, there pink.

Some days are hard and some days we need to cry and we need to say NO or I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE as long as we don't let it eat us up inside because WE ARE SOME MUCH MORE THEN DIABETES.  I will never let diabetes take mine, my families or Cara's happiness away.


Anonymous said...

So sad to see these kids dreading site changes. They do hurt and they still must be done every three days, sometimes more often. Isn't there any way to make it easier? Does EMLA work for her? Is EMLA not an option? Our DD used to say she could still feel site changes with EMLA on, but that was because we were told to put too small an amount on (should be size of half dollar) and we did not leave it on long enough (left on for 45 minutes not 1.5 hours). Site changes no longer hurt after we made these changes. Soon after, she did not want to use the EMLA and has gotten used to the stick. Anything that can be done to make things comfortable for young children... I'm for it. Endos don't encourage use long term, but for a while it may make things easier for her.

sky0138 said...

HUGS to you both...:o( I hate those moments when diabetes catches us off guard like that

Scully said...

it's a harsh reality when you try to look at it from an outside point of view. you're doing great.

Sarah said...

Bravo to you for knowing it is okay to have a moment of sadnes, but to not dwell there. I agree it is tough. I agree that there are things we "shouldn't" have to do to keep our kiddos healthy and safe, however it is what it is and now we have to keep going with it - I appreciate your honesty in all you share on this blog. There have been numerous times I read and know that I am not alone in my fears, anger, frustrations and sadness. I truly feel you are a gift to me in these moments as I keep learning and re-learning about what role diabetes needs to have in my life and that of my families. Take care :)