Sunday, March 25, 2012
I cannot begin to tell you how lost I have felt for a little over 3 years now living with diabetes in this house and pumping for just over 8 months.
The confusion, the frustrations...it never made sense to me. No matter what we did the numbers never worked out the way we needed them to. Stuck in a A1c of or around 10 for so long.
I would see others and their numbers and I would want to hide my head in shame.
Cara and diabetes did not work like everyone else said that they would or should. I was at a loss and constantly doubting my understanding of it all.
The pressure and the NEED to control this beast to ensure a healthy life for our children is overwhelming. These are not just numbers, they are our failures and our successes, they are the means in which we measure our worth, the value of our parenting. These numbers don't lie, although they follow no truth, they judge and allow others to judge. These numbers hunt us while we sleep and fills our heads every second of the day...adding, subtracting, dividing and multiplying...always. These numbers tell us what to do, they control our movements and our choices throughout the day every day.
Our results never allowed me to truly understanding how to control this, how it all works, how to make sense of it.
I always felt there was a way to do better, a way to be better and every 3 months I was reminded just how much I was letting myself and my daughter down.
When the numbers are not adding up the way they should the only ones to blame are the parents...so it seems to the parents.
I felt like I was the only one missing out on this great big secret.
Although I still don't have this secret something has changed, something just clicked. Things are starting to add up and I'm loving this feeling. I'm proud of the numbers. I feel in control, it may be a false feeling of security, as we all know diabetes does not play by the rules. One day you're on top the next your hiding under your sheets in the fetal position wishing it all gone.
But today and for the past week something is right, numbers are following the rules, it is all making sense. We have been in range 95% of the time, I have never felt like this before.
Nothing has changed, we are doing the same damn thing but we are seeing major change.
I'm astonished at the numbers...today.
I'm excited by the numbers...today.
I for the very first time in about 3 years understand the numbers today.
Can I say that I control the numbers...today. or is that going a little to far?...Ya, Maybe?!?!
I knew I could do this, I knew I had the information, I knew I had the tools, I feel proud, I feel like I'm finally figuring this game out but like I have said I have done nothing different?
I don't understand the why but I'm soooo loving the end result.
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