Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Rush Of The Numbers

Control, it's a funny thing.

With the pump I have more control (hate that word & diabetes in the same sentence but here we go anyways) I have more control over diabetes with the pump.  I have the control to pull back or increase the smallest amounts of insulin and at very specific times of the day, I have the control to split up a percent of the total amount of insulin and give it to Cara in separate intervals. I have the control to increase or decrease bolus ratios and basal amount, I have the control to suspend the insulin, to change her correction or sensitivity ratio to insulin and I have the control to change it all at a second thought and decided I'm not going to do what the pump tells me I'm doing my own thing at this specific time...There is a lot that I can control using a pump to better care for Cara.

However the one thing that I find myself struggling with now is having THAT control...that is...self control.  I need the self control to STOP making so many changes so fast without seeing any trends forming.  I find myself thumbing through Cara's meter, thinking if I just tweak this a little or that and this a lot her numbers will be perfect and there I go...no self control, no ability to take a step back. 

In this race to win and beat diabetes I'm behaving like an addict looking for her next fix.  The perfect number is my high and insulin is my drug but it is not my body that I'm injecting and playing with it's my daughters. 

I thumb through that damn meter and I know I have the power, the power to change that number but I'm not sure what caused that number, is it the weather? activity? a trend? growth spurt? sickness? stress? excitement?...I don't 100% know all the information. 

I COULD be right, I could be making the right decision in my tweaky little brain and getting that perfect number will give me the rush that I need, the F U diabetes that I need for that day...I Can Do This...I can beat you.  This is what I'm looking for.  However I could very well be jumping the gun...I have, and some times it results in a low.   I have my fingers on the buttons and I'm pushing them like a mad man...I need to stop and look for trends...3 day trends, reasons for that number before I go jumping on my high horse and making changes that I should not be changing.

BUT GOSH THAT IS SOOO HARD...especially when you have all the answers...like me! :) (JOKE, it's a joke)


Scully said...

true,very true. The hardest part I find with diabetes is patience. I hate that finding trends and treating highs requires so much patience. I want to fix it NOW. The need to control that which is nearly uncontrollable is shitty. You and I are alike. ;)

Maile said...

I came across your blog after searching for "pink pumps" online. I just upgraded my 4 year old purple pump to a new pink one :) Once I started to learn about Cara's story my eyes filled up with tears as she reminds me so much of myself when I was younger. I was diagnosed with T1 when I was 6, and have been living with it for 19 years. I went on the pump in 2000 and know it was the best decision I could have ever made. Even with as frustrating as this disease can be to live with, please do not let anyone ever tell you or Cara she can't do something. Challenges are certainly there and at times I want to do nothing but cry, but I remind myself of how they have come with treatments and that gives me hope for the future. I went to college on a full athletic scholarship, will be graduating with my MBA in 2 weeks, and my husband and I are now expecting our first child this December. Although my life needs to be controlled with the help of a pump and cgm, there is no stopping T1 diabetics from living a normal, happy life. Much love and hope is being sent to Cara and your family! Thank you for such a wonderful blog.

Reyna said...

I used to be OUTTA CONTROL with the tweaking. I have found over the last year or so, I am a little too lax. Burned out, I think.